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Mother's day 2

I try to not be that mom but it really doesn't help when the only voices in my head are the o es telling me that I am wrong. I for the most part alow my child to graze as toddlers do. I stop this after bath time. She has had the full day to eat. Half the time she does not eat her dinner when we sit down to eat. As of late she has taken to demanding to eat after 9 and hour after bed time.  Most moms might understand why I need her to ho to bed by nine. I need and hour or two of me time. Time when I can try to calm down from whatever anxiety that has made me short tempered so that she is not on the receiving end of my frustration. Tonight she totally skipped eating with us to go play. When we ry to put her down she is demanding food and to go play more. All I can think about is that even while we have agreed that we have to stand our ground as parents she till gets handed over to her dad who takes her back down stairs to feed her her dinner and then goes back to bed. I am feeling like whatever I do is worthless. There is no point in trying to implement rules if I am just going to be over ruled. I realize that this is in part because I am out of sorts any way. I am trying very hard  not to take any thing out on Mair that is not actually deserved. 
I do spend to much time over thinking things and stressed out. It bothers me that the voices I hear at night are the ones that tell me I am doing it all wrong. What I really need to is remember that my voice becomes on of hers. I hope that it's a good one but some how I doubt it.

Mother's day

Mother's day is has been a mixed bag over the years. I made a choice 15 years ago that I regretted.  I am a mother now of one soon to be two. I lost one in October last year. My own mother is a bag of mixed nuts. I am sorry to any that know her. I know she may have treated you wonderfully but it has been a different story for her family. I have adopted and been adopted over the years by other people's mothers. Unfortunately both Susan and Roxine are gone to the next life. That leaves my aunt Cris as God mother to talk to about life. I have tried over the years to talk to my mother and most of the time the response I get is "what would I know about that" as if it would matter.  I don't know today just seems to be ending in frustration. I feel like I have let down my grandmother. I am a stay at home mum with a degree and 65k worth of debt to pay off. Today she pointed out that my child is the only one she is sending money to. Each of my cousins have two kids but their parents did not waste their money or their time. My grandmother has had to pay for my mother's monitory mistakes. I have an i.o.u from my parents having spent my college fund.  After talking to my gran I am feeling very much like I let her down.  Tim asked me if I am happy and I am. I have a beautiful family. A daughter that is amazing a partner that does his best to put up with me. I would love to get sewing off the ground. Or perfect my art. But I need time for it. I hope to feel better.

Screw you Past

I have had the awful time struggling with people who no longer are around. I want to scream that those who have not a care about my life. I wanted to talk to talk to a friend but no one is free. I want to talk to those that have hurt me.
Why did you tell me off if you did not want me to leave you alone? Why did you tell me to focus on my life and  to stop calling? You brought people into my home that disrespected me self and you. You made it clear that our friendship was only important so long as you felt that you had nothing else. Do you understand how much that hurts? Do you realize that I had cared for you. That I struggled with my feelings, hiding them so that you felt better about it. What made you think that I would just take it? Of course I am sure that your friends say that it I am at fault. I was the one being selfish. I was the monster that pushed you away. I am a human being that has been beaten and abused by those that I cared for, trusted. How the hell am I supposed to respond to this? Do you realize how much seeing you hurts? A year after the fact and I still get anxious when I see you on line. Do you know that your mother asked my why we don't talk any more? What the hell am I supposed to respond to that? I hope that you have a happy life. I am not bitter but I  also wish never to gave to respond to your presence in my life again.

Growlish

I don't know why but I am constantly short tempered lately. At Tim and with Mair, at the world as a whole.  I try to talk to Tim about it and he just keeps pointing out that I  was iratable yesterday and the day before. Like I chose to be short tempered. I am not sure what else to do but segregate my self. Which is just a repeat of what I did during Mair's pregnancy. I mean what do I need to do? I know it is hormones and those are required for human growth. But what am I supposed to do?

Frustration family

It is so frustrating trying to talk to grams at this point. She can't hear me. She can't read my writing. I don't know what to do any more.

So that happened

I have not been feeling physically well for a while now.  I was sick for most of February and had a sensitive stomach for this half of March. I also have not seen the Blood Moon since January. So time for a pee test. Having already gone through this once one would think that I could take this with no problem.  Nope! Nervous and scared for the out come I did not look at the end results until this morning. Well, here we go again. Tim does not seem happy but I am sure that at least part of that is having to had to deal with the down swing of the last week of sleepless nights. The other half is that small children are a lot of work, New born especially. Tim for all his hard work is a lazy butt at heart. He likes kids when they can play and run and laugh and ruff house. Mair is just getting to that point. I asked for this and I know that.  I wish I could find my self confidence in the situation. Tim pointed out to me that years ago all I wanted was to be content. Well I am,no matter what life throws at me I am content with my partner and with my family. I am not quite content with my self but we kwen that was going to be an on going project for the rest of my life. He asked my why I am not content and I had to say that I was bur I wanted to strive now to be happy, with my life and my self. I asked him if that was wrong and started bawling.
Another thing is that I have been out of work for two years. Money is tight. If I could work with both little ones at home things might not be so bad. My attempts at a home business have not been functional let alone successful. Etsy may be my only option for a while.

3am again

So it is funny how this repeatedly return to the surface of one's mind at 3am. What I have to go do today, what I did the day before. In my case it is always reliving past sins, my own and those of others. Recently I continue to return to the lack of friends in my life. This is exasperated by facebook. I am truly believing that it is making humanity worse. This morning I am reminded of the fact that many of my friends became friends with each other. For the most part this is great until you have a falling out with one that results in you never speaking to them again. In this case my conservative view on prisons and repeat offenders post off people to the point that they called me a nazi sympathizer at the start of the argument. Any hoo that ended poorly. But they are still friends with other friends of mine. Now I will point out that this happened years ago. On Facebook yesterday one of my friends whom I have been missing posted a question and the ex-friends responded. Why does this bother me at 3 am? Mental puke. My therapist says that things are repeatedly return to our forethought because we have not properly delt with them.  In this case I think it may be due to the voultile natural of the political climate. But the pain that the person who I want to still associate with as a friend is associating with someone who thinks so little of me hurts. But I have to point out that I have not been able to think of my self very highly either. I am brought back to the question of are they still friends. So many of the people who are on my  list on Facebook I no longer have real contact with. I almost want to message them and day hey we were good friends once but life has tore us in two different directions and I feel like a stocker reading your posts, best of luck to you. And thusly unfriend them on Facebook. I realize that this would be misconstrued as a cry for attention verses what it is intended as, which  is a simple but horrible way to ask if they are still friends. Really I hate feeling like I need validation from people who are not actively  in my life. Honestly I don't like needing validation at all.  I recently started asking my self where my confedence went and was told that it has been over written by experience. I wonder if I can get that confedence back.

Try not to climb into the pit

So last night miss  was wake from 1 to 3 and I lost it. I lost my cool I lost my calm, I lost the filters on my mouth. I said that miss must be trying to kill me. That Tim was right and one kid is hard enough.  What I held be was just as bad . I feel frustrated and stupid for ever thinking I could be a parent let alone a good one. It has snowballed in to worse things like thoughts of killing my self. Again I am feeling like garbage and looking at every thing I have ever done and am feeling like a horrible human being. I feel I am abusive and ugly. I think Tim and miss would be better of with out me. I think most of the world would be better off. And this is the most I can do about any thing. Cry into my blog and reorganize my emotions so that I function another day. Continue therapy and hope I do something right.

4 am wake up call

The hardest thing about actively taking part in therapy in waking up at 4am and taking apart something that happened years ago and understanding it from not only your side but theirs. I know that years later is not going to change what happens but experiencing those feelings not only from your perspective but theirs as well. I try to remind my self that people have lives to live and friends move apart over time because of what the individual has in front of them. That does not stop my brain from punishing me because I was arrogant or snide or cruel at the wrong time to the wrong person. There are people who I wish life had not intervened. To some of these people I want to beg forgiveness. To others I want to demand an apology. The real work is forgiving my self because they can't. These people from your past may not know or care. They are focused on their own life and in reality while they may still have contact with you, you don't matter. Congratulations, you are not the center of any ones world. You can not undo what you have done. If these people are still in your life in any way talk to them. Explain what is going on. They might understand. If Not its okay that they don't. The process is to help you heal so that you can rewire your damaged brain.
This mornings round of remembering is no fun because the people I am thinking of I have no real way to contact. One has so much going on in his life I don't want to bother them.I mostly want to hug him and hope that hings get better for him. I want to tell him he was right I am a self centered twat.
Another is getting things to finally work for them I don't want to intrude. They have had so much happen in their life and I so much wanted to help but I botched things up. they out grew me and I am so glad that things are getting better for them. I miss hanging put with them but I am ashamed for how I treated them and I know that they are in a better spot and I dont want to mess it up.
The third if I try to reach out and apologize I re-enter the cycle of abuse that I am trying hard to end. I cared really deeply for them and i have to stick to my guns. WE walked away from each other and I was so hurt that I repeatedly hurt my self over it.
Yet another is no where near where I am in the grand scheme on things and would be taken in the wrong way. I want so much for things to be different but we are on different pathways
I know it is stupid to preach to talk to others an yet i am refusing to do just that. But I have to remind my self that I am not a big piece of these peoples lives. The best I can do is to reach out and touch them and if they touch back I can try to rebuild something so that I can eventually ask for their forgiveness. But no matter what I have to forgive my self.

Rage and Grief

I am tired.  Last week someone asked me why I stopped being another's friend. I never did. They are the ones who stopped talking to me. I may have unfriended them on Facebook but that is never a sign of friendship to me. It is ones behavior. I was in love with someone who broke my heart and turned me away when I felt I needed a kind word. They told me that I was selfish and had all I ever needed with my daughter. I stopped that day. I stopped reaching out for them or for any one.  I did as they said. I focused solely on my daughter and Tim. And then January party. I never heard from any one. People repeatedly canceled things and so I stopped trying.  I had been listening for 6 months tell me how they had been abandoned by everyone after they had kids. I decided it was a warning from the divine. I am trying to not fixate on the hurts of th e past. I feel that because of the grief of losing my friends I missed out on being able to enjoy the first month's of my daughter's life. I am trying to not let happen again.